Jeff Jacoby, the brilliant conservative columnist for the Boston Globe was recently pilloried by Globe executives for having used (and corrected) public domain historical observations about the fate of those men who signed the Declaration of Independence. He was sentenced to four months suspension without pay. His duplicitous masters claim if he had included a single disclaimer he could have avoided his current hardships. Most don't believe the disclaimer would have made a difference, especially since Globe management chose to refuse Jacoby the opportunity to publish a post mortem clarification.

Therefore, notwithstanding the fact that Joseph Farah and WorldNetDaily are far more reasonable, rational and professional than the Boston Globe, I will include this CYA prelude to the following analysis. I did not originally conceive the subsequent "Reasons the English Language is hard to Learn." Actually the list from which I borrowed includes 21 reasons. Space only permits me to comment on 11 of them. They are part of the huge body of work attributed to "Anonymous" and distributed worldwide via the blessing and curse of cyberspace.

The statements are not mine, and the author unknown. The analysis and observations are mine.

I remember suffering in college with "Beowulf" and Chaucer. Old English was difficult, confusing and awkward. However, New English, even without the exacerbation of colloquialisms, regionalisms, and slang, is also hard -- especially for those attempting English as a second language.

Consider the following:

Reasons the English language is hard to learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound. You will immediately note the spelling of "wound" and "wound" is exactly the same. However, the meanings are significantly different. The first "wound" (wowend) means to wrap in a circular motion. The second "wound" (wooind) is an injury. Consider the plight of the immigrant attempting to define the word without sufficient context. It makes no sense.
2. The farm was used to produce produce. Again, same spelling different definitions. The spelling is identical but the second is a noun, the first is the process of planting, nurturing, watering, and harvesting a product which happens to be spelled exactly the same? And this time there isn't even the subtle distinction in pronunciation.
3. The dump was so full, it had to refuse more refuse. The first "refuse" is pronounced "ree-fuse" and means to deny. The second "refuse" is pronounced "ref(as in the abbreviation for referee)-use" and means garbage.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture. We must polish (by applying wax and rubbing vigorously) a ten foot pole (although most Poles are only about five-foot-eight and rarely over six-two). Polish (with the hard "o" and upper case "P") is the nationality of people born in Poland.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. If you want to kill a half-hour look up "lead" in an unabridged dictionary. Depending on the edition, there is about a page and half of real small print that makes an analysis of the federal budget clear and concise. "Lead" which needs to be pronounced "leed" means to guide on a path both figuratively and literally. "Lead" is a heavy soft malleable metal, and the only substance that could protect Superman from the deleterious effects of kryptonite.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. OK, read this aloud a few times. "Desert" No. 1 one means to abandon one's unit. Once upon a time when soldiers were soldiers and not politically correct social engineers, it was a capital offense and a soldier that did desert could be executed. "Dessert" is usually an after meal last course or confection that tastes wonderful and contains unhealthy levels of fat and carbohydrates. The last "desert" is a hot, arid region consisting of mostly sand, an absence of water, and a close resemblance to a politician's soul (which, considering the similarities between politicians and the usual inhabitants of deserts, like snakes, scorpions, and creepy-crawly critters, is probably best left for a subsequent commentary).
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. Are you getting dizzy yet? Three times you read "present." The spelling is identical, the meanings different: 1) "present" as in here and now, contemporaneous, happening; 2) "present" as in to hand forth, turn over to; and 3) "present" as in gift, gratuity, or "oh goody, birthday loot."


Who was the academician, linguistic sadist that did this to us? At least with "to" they gave us different spellings: to, too, two.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. A "bass" is a fish. A "bass drum" is a percussion instrument. Come on, you pronounce the drum name as "base" not "bass." The deeper you get into this list the more reasonable those east European languages look that are so stingy with vowels.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. A "dove" is a bird from the attractive side of the pigeon family. The pronunciation rhymes with "love" which kinda makes you want to spell it "duv." By the way, as hunter I'll tell you this, when shot at, doves don't dive into the bushes. They fly away FAST and erratically so you miss again, and again.
10. I did not object to the object. Same spelling ... apples and kumquats. The first "object" usually comes out "ubject" and means to take exception to, disagree, reject (as in "That dog don't hunt"). The second "object" is a nondescript noun, and we would all probably feel better if the pretentious writer would just tell us what the object is to which he is referring.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. Talk about politically incorrect. The first "invalid" (as an adjective) states the insurance was not valid. It was null and void. The second un-PC use of "invalid" refers to a sickly or bedridden person.

Language according to my dictionary is "the words, their pronunciation, and the methods of combining them used and understood by a considerable community and established by long usage." This definition leads me to conclude language is an art and not a science. It is arbitrary and capricious. And if anyone doesn't like the way our language is articulated and written, they can go somewhere else and fight the battle with glottal clicks and long words conspicuously absent vowels.

Don't object to the object. Get the lead out and lead on.